Increase my love II – ook als ze niet naar je vergadering komen

Al sprak ik de talen van alle mensen en die van engelen maar had ik de liefde niet, ik zou niets zijn.

Increase my love, dat was het motto en onze wens toen we aan onze missie begonnen. Help me to love with open arms, like You do, zong Jenn Johnson. En nu, 7 maanden later is dat juist precies waar de schoen wringt.

50 manden sinaasappels
Ik zit in mijn frustratiefase. Zo noem ik het tenminste. In Afrika wisselen de periodes elkaar sneller af dan ik in Nederland ervoer: erg genieten, erg mooie dingen meemaken of juist je erg verbazen over de verschrikkelijke inefficiëntie en onverstandigheid. Dat laatste is het geval. Ik vind mijn landgenoten lui omdat ze geen bloed willen komen geven bij de bloedbank. Ik vind het onhandig als vijftig vrouwen in een dorp allemaal sinaasappels aanbieden aan de voorbijkomende bus. Blijkbaar kwam er niemand in het dorp op het idee om een avocadoboom of een papajaboom te planten. Het is bloed-onder-je-nagels-vandaan-halend als Jaco naar de bank moet om een half miljoen kwacha op de rekening te storten om daarna een uur in de andere rij te staan om een half miljoen geld van de rekening af te halen. Waarom werken er duizenden slimme mensen bij deze banken, en blijft bankieren iets wat je een dagdeel moet kosten? En als van de tien deelnemers van mijn projectmeeting níemand op komt dagen, ook een halfuur later niet, denk ik zeker te weten dat dit land dus nooit vooruit gaat komen.

Even eruit
Toen ik op vakantie was en het land uitreed dacht ik na over mijn houding van de laatste tijd. Ik besefte dat hij in het geheel niet matchte met het mooi gestarte ‘increase my love’. Integendeel, ik was hard en een beetje liefdeloos geworden. En toen ik Korinthe las werd het me pijnlijk duidelijk: ‘Al sprak ik alle talen van alle mensen en die van de engelen maar had ik de liefde niet, ik zou niet meer zijn dan een schelle simbaal (…), al bezat ik alle kennis en had ik geloof dat bergen kan verplaatsen – al had ik de liefde niet, ik zou niets zijn. Al verkocht ik mijn bezittingen omdat ik voedsel aan de armen wilde geven, al gaf ik mijn lichaam prijs en kon ik er trots op zijn – al had ik de liefde niet, HET ZOU NIET BATEN.’

Zonder de liefde heeft het geen zin om alles aan de armen te geven. Zelfs je leven geven zonder die liefde baat niet. Waarom niet? Omdat liefde je geduldig maakt en vol goedheid. Omdat God liefde is.
Ik lees het rijtje over wat liefde niet is – niet afgunstig, niet zelfzuchtig, en laat je niet boos maken – en besef me dat ik verschrikkelijk slecht scoor. Ik kijk met afgunst naar mijn collega’s die er een potje van maken, ik laat me boos maken en reken mensen het kwaad aan. Ik verdraag heel veel dagen veel, maar ook veel dagen erg weinig.

Liefde en wijsheid, het raadsel van ontwikkelingswerk
Ik realiseer me dat mijn observaties over dit land niet alleen over een persoonlijk mopperen gaan; het laat iets zien van het levensgrote ontwikkelingswerk-dilemma. Ik zal het proberen zo kort mogelijk samen te vatten.

Op meso niveau zie ik dat malawianen afhankelijk blijven van donoren en hoge lunch- en overnachtingsgelden voor projecten als vanzelfsprekend te zien en zelfs onderdeel van hun cultuur geworden zijn. Op Macro niveau denk ik dat onze westerse NGO’s dit land lang geleden al verziekt hebben. De beste salarissen krijg je tenslotte bij een NGO en als je veel conferenties bezoekt levert dit een mooi extratje op. Bovendien is development in het verleden vaak ingestoken op een manier die mensen erg afhankelijk maakte.

Maar op Micro niveau staan de mensen bij mij aan de deur in het hongerseizoen en vragen om een zakje meel. Om 50 cent om hen weer een paar dagen verder te helpen. Om geld om een deken te kopen omdat ze die niet hebben terwijl ik het die nacht het nog koud had in mijn goede huis met mijn dikke dekbed. En dan? Zeg ik dan: nee, je moet op je eigen benen staan, onafhankelijk worden van alle blanke hulp?

Ik beschrijf deze micro, meso, macro levels omdat liefde en geven een simpele Bijbelse opdracht lijkt te zijn. Maar het is niet simpel. Het is verschrikkelijk ingewikkeld in mijn omgeving.

Increase my love
Er zijn veel situaties waarbij je je ongelofelijk irriteert aan mensen of situaties. Waarbij de liefde plaatsmaakt voor geschamper of gemopper. Ik weet de oplossing nog niet, maar wel dat Jezus zegt: ‘wees barmhartig zoals mijn Vader barmhartig is.’ (Lukas 6). Wees geduldig, laat je niet boos maken en reken het kwaad niet aan. Om met open armen lief te hebben, omdat Hij ons eerst heeft liefgehad.

Let all my life, tell of who You are
And the wonder of, Your never-ending love
You’re wonderful, and such a good Father

Help me to love with open arms, like You do
A love that erases all the lines, and sees the truth
Oh that when they look in my eyes, they would see You
Even in just a smile; they would feel the Father’s love.
For The One – Jenn Johnson

PS: ik schreef deze blog al drie maanden geleden maar postte hem destijds niet. No worries, de frustratiefase is aardig over. Maar het dilemma blijft en is leerzaam. Vandaar dat ik hem vandaag toch nog online geplaatst heb.

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